Gluttony

Gluttony feeds on itself. The more that the appetite is indulged, the stronger it becomes - and the harder it is to control. But if the appetite is restrained, then it soon grows weak and feeble, and finally disappears altogether.

-Razi, "Kitab al-Muluki"

Al-Ghazali on the Knowledge of Allah

Not only are man's attributes a reflection of Allah's attributes, but the mode of existence of man's soul affords some insight into Allah's mode of existence. That is to say, both Allah and the soul are invisible, indivisible, unconfined by space and time, and outside the categories of quantity and quality; nor can the ideas of shape, colour, or size attach to them. People find it hard to form a conception of such realities as are devoid of quality and quantity, etc., but a similar difficulty attaches to the conception of our everyday feelings, such as anger, pain, pleasure, or love. They are thought-concepts, and cannot be cognised by the senses; whereas quality, quantity, etc., are sense-concepts. Just as the ear cannot take cognisance of colour, nor the eye of sound, so, in conceiving of the ultimate realities, Allah and the soul, we find ourselves in a region in which sense-concepts can bear no part. So much, however, we can see, that, as Allah is Ruler of the universe, and, being Himself beyond space and time, quantity and quality, governs things that are so conditioned, so that soul rules the body and its members, being itself invisible, indivisible, and unlocated in any special part. For how can the indivisible be located in that which is divisible? From all this we see how true is the saying of the Prophet, "Allah created man in His own likeness."

- Al-Ghazali, "The Alchemy of Happiness"

Gentleness

He who is deprived of gentleness is deprived of good.

-The Prophet Muhammad (SAW)

Parents: How Aware Are We?

PARENTING IN THE 21ST CENTURY
How Aware Are We?
by Greg Wendt

Sometimes I wonder how I knew anything about life before I had children. They teach me everything that is important. Buckminster Fuller was right when he said we underestimate children. Perhaps hundreds of years from now, in some future society, adults will look to the innocence and truthfulness of children as a model to live by.

Young children do a number of things very well, and far better than do adults. For instance, children make friends very easily. They approach life with openness and trust; that is, until the harsh realities of the world adults created shatter their feeling of safety. Their hearts are open to new experiences and people. Seeing someone their own age fills them with excitement and anticipation. An unlimited potential for joy and fun awaits them through every new encounter. Sure, there can be shyness, reservation and fear, but these barriers usually fall away quickly and children find a way to bond almost instantly.

For adults, this is not so easy. We have been taught to mistrust, to be guarded, to be afraid of strangers, to be wary of people we don't know-especially if they are different. Children do not perceive these barriers. They crave relationship, just as we do. But they don't hide this desire with layers of impenetrable psychological armor. At least not until they are taught to do so. Sadly, not-so-young children are learning to hide behind internet connections, seeking so-called friends on MySpace and the like. Innocence doesn't need MySpace. Innocence is a magnet for true relationship.

Another thing children do far better than adults is generate their own fun and entertainment. With their vivid imaginations and an inner drive to explore, experience and create, children turn virtually any environment into their unique play-world.

Sand is transformed into castles, puddles become oceans, blank sheets of paper are filled with color. They don't need much, because they have a rich fountain of creativity at their disposal. That is, unless we adults expose them to that which clogs up the fountain.

As 21st century parents, we grew up experiencing the beginnings of the modern, ultra-commercial-ized society in which advertising began to explode, including commercials aimed directly at children. If we watched much television, and most of us did, we were taught early on that happiness comes from acquiring lots of cool things and going to lots of fun places. In other words, we were pulled out of our limitless imagination and placed in a box where only the right toy, candy, movie, or theme park could make us happy. We became shackled by these illusions and unhappy when we couldn't fulfill them; and we were too young to understand what was happening to us.

Now, in the blink of an eye, we are adults with children of our own. Consciously and unconsciously we are passing our beliefs, ideologies and habits onto them. Have we examined the forces that shaped our outlook on life? Do our decisions reflect what is healthy for our children, or have we unconsciously bought into the status quo of mass entertainment, sugar-laced foods, and over-stimulation of the senses?

These questions are worth examining. Children have one short opportunity to be children. Every day is precious and important to their healthy development. We must be conscious and vigilant about what and how we expose the world to them. There are many seemingly benign forces in the every-day world that are not at all friendly to children. Likewise there are hidden opportunities for positive growth that we may not be aware of. It is up to us to be awake and to know the difference.

Those Who Fear Allah Flee to Him

Fear is like a candle whose flame helps a person distinguish goodness from evil;
and fear of God allows a person to turn away from evil.
Those who fear mere creatures flee from them;
but those who fear God flee to Him.

-Rabi'a, in "Rabi'a the Mystic"

Peace or Freedom: Must we Choose Between Them?

Abdul-Lateef Abdullah

"Peace alone is not enough. Peace can even mean slavery sometimes. Peace and freedom is what we have to have."
- Casper Weinberger, former U.S. Secretary of Defense

The above quote by the late Casper Weinberger says a lot about what many people believe peace to mean, which is nothing more than external order or simply the absence of physical hostility and war. There is a growing perception that Muslims are monolithically in favor of such a dictatorial notion of peace, where people have very little freedom. Media coverage of masked Middle East protestors carrying placards reading “Freedom Go To Hell” and similar images paint a picture of a people and religion that is hostile to the notion of human freedom. But is this really the case about Islam? How does the Islamic worldview make sense of these seemingly opposing concepts?

What is the Meaning of Peace in Islam?
Have you ever seen the lightness of heart of the innocent child at play? How about that famous scene from the Oscar-nominated film ‘A Beautiful Life’, where after being imprisoned in a Nazi work camp, the father tries to hide the horrible truth from his son by pretending that their captivity is a big life-size game where the other prisoners and guards are all actors. The boy is led to believe that the winner of the game is the one who plays along for the longest period of time. The child’s innocence allows him to believe that it is in fact merely a game and so he willfully plays along, not realizing the truthful horror of the situation. The innocent child is a perfect example of the type of freedom that results from a heart at peace. From a heart at peace, freedom is the child’s only reality.

“…Every time you are able to clear your mind of preoccupations you return to being a child. This is why Jesus said, ‘You will not enter The Dominion until you return and become like children,' that is until you have no preoccupations except with God. This is the idea of continuous childhood, this is the idea of the returning to purity…” - Dr. Asad Ali

Peace in Islam is arrived at in the same manner, i.e. through a peaceful heart. The entire life of Islam – both the outward and inward – is geared towards this one goal – a heart at peace with the Ultimate Reality; with its Lord and His will. The heart at peace is by definition, free, and knows a freedom beyond words. It is a freedom that is not limited by physical space, poverty, or destitution, for it is a state of inner being that is not predicated on its outer, temporary predicament.

Through the lens of the heart many people in the world are not free -- even those in ‘free’ countries – for such people are often imprisoned not by political or legal restrictions, but by attachments and what lies in the dark recesses of the heart. Most of us are not truly free because our hearts are chained to worldliness; thus, we are at the mercy of our appetites and surroundings even if those surroundings include democracy, free markets and material prosperity.

Peace in Islam is inseparable from freedom, for true freedom is a product of real peace. While not everyone who is free is at peace, anyone who has tasted true peace is, while in that state, free. For true peace is liberation from the terror and hostility that first exists in our minds and hearts. Peace means the end of struggle and begins within rather than without. The greater ‘jihad’ in Islam is understood as the struggle to end struggle. It is the greater struggle to free ourselves from that which prevents us from truly being ourselves, namely, our ego/nafs and its worldly desires and fears. Can anyone honestly claim that anyone who lives their lives in utter enslavement to the need to look a certain way, maintain a certain image, achieve a certain social or economic status, have certain things, think a certain way, drive a certain kind of car, watch certain TV shows, or buy certain things is really free? This is not freedom; rather, it is naught but slavery to the lower self -- that part of us that wants and wants and wants endlessly; that tricks us into thinking that when we finally get X, Y and Z, then we’ll have peace. It’s the great illusion that has existed since the beginning of time; nevertheless, much of humanity continues to remain perfectly (dis)content living this illusion of ‘peace’ resulting from ‘freedom’.

We all Seek the Same Thing
In truth, everyone is ultimately seeking peace and happiness – perfect contentment; heaven, nirvana, whatever you want to call it. The miser, the criminal, the saint, the rebel -- everyone is in essence after the same thing. We are all trying to reach a state that will allow us to simply be ‘at peace’. But what does this really mean? It means none other than the complete elimination of desires. What else would you be if you had absolutely no desires other than perfectly content, i.e. in perfect peace? A place where there is no room for desire, for the beast within has been tamed.

When we seek to fulfill the desires of the lower selves we give in to the illusion that the ego has created for us, but actually it is only the animal aspect of ourselves that has been temporarily subdued. But that aspect of ourselves is a trickster; however, not a malicious one, for if not for the ego and its attachments we would never seek the Divine and yearn for that perfect state of peace – true peace resulting from contentment in God. Thus there would be no reason or need for worship, for yearning, for shedding tears out of the need for intimacy with the Divine. In fact, there would be nothing but peace; no desires, no fears, no doubts, no reasons to be unjust or selfish – just perfect tranquility. Sounds like heaven.

Understanding the Self
The ego gets us thinking that having more of something will make the desire for it go away. For example, when we are hungry, we eat so that our hunger will go away. But what happens after that? In a little while, we are hungry again, and often we desire more than we wanted the first time. Only through the knowledge that eating more will not be good for us, or will make us fat, or because we cannot afford to do we discipline ourselves to maintain moderation in eating. This is the science of addiction. We indulge in something because we have a desire for it and we want to fulfill that desire, i.e. make the desire go away. Once the desire is gone, we are content, until the desire comes back stronger than before, causing us to increase our intake of what made the desire go away in the first place. This vicious circle turns into a downward spiral and ultimately has a tragic ending unless an ‘intervention’ occurs. That is why things like drugs are so addictive. They create a state that is so ‘peaceful’ that when we are taken out of that state, the desire to return to it becomes animalistic in its intensity. This is the way of the nafs, the Lower Self that is animalistic in nature.

However, there is a higher part of us that can never go away and is always dwelling in permanent peace, and that part of us is often not realized unless we are taught how to be conscious of it and live a way of life that honors it. That is the spirit/soul, the part that is but the breath of the Divine, and is the Higher Self. When we live according to what is best for this Self, then we escape the prison of endless appetite. The cycle of hunger and satiation is ended, or at least greatly reduced, controlled and understood.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed." – Author Unknown

Permanent vs. Illusory Peace
Permanent peace is that permanent state of the Higher Self, and ultimately, the true potential of all of us. The prophets and saints dwell permanently in this state and thus experience a freedom beyond words, for their hearts are free of the world and the need to have any part of it. Though they are completely human and feel pain, suffering and the like, they are content with having nothing of the world for they live in total realization of the Higher Self which is forever dwelling in the Divine Presence. Dirt and gold are the same to them. Every moment of life is a gift. They exist only to serve and to give of themselves. Their law is love of God. They ask nothing of any mortal being for their sustenance is provided directly from Allah. This is the pure human being, the potential Self realized.

The difference between these two human states is total enslavement to total freedom. The one that lives according to his base appetites will forever be imprisoned by his seeking of peace via the world (of which he will never arrive at), while the one that lives in honor of the True Self will be a slave only to the Divine, resulting in total liberation of the self from worldly attachments. The former may know peace temporarily at certain times, but that peace can never be real or lasting, for the desires of the ego will continuously ‘up the ante’ in order to be satiated. The former path is one that can only lead downward while the latter can only lead to greater heights. The ego can only be purified, dissolved, annihilated; its thirst cannot be quenched. It must be respected and forgiven, but it cannot be given the reins to rule (Ansari, 2001).

True peace and freedom begin when we fulfill our primary obligation as human beings, which is to know God as He wishes us to know Him. The beauty of this is that in knowing God and because of the nature of the way He has created us, we get to know ourselves also, and thereby obtain the keys to a deep knowing of humanity and thereby to all knowledge. It is obviously not to say that one human brain could contain all the knowledge available to humanity. But there is a key to understanding all that we need to understand in any given moment. And the cost of that key is the sacrifice of our presumptions (Ansari, 2001).


References:
Ali, A. (2005). A Visit With Dr. Asad Ali. http://www.sufism.org/society/articles/Damascus.html.

Ansari, A. (2001). On individual realization. http://surrenderworks.com/library/self/another.html.

Ecstasy

True ecstasy is passive: it overwhelms the heart without any intention or deliberate effort.
It is the fruit of spiritual devotion and worship.
The deeper is your devotion to God, and the more intense is your worship, the more likely you are to receive ecstasy from God.
In a state of ecstasy the heart is lost to God.

-Qushayri, "Risalah"

True Love

O Beloved of hearts, I beseech only You.
Have pity this day on those who turn to You.
My Hope, my Rest, my Delight,
this heart can love none other but You.

-Rabi'a, "Rabi'a the Mystic"

Addressing God

When people address God in words – in the form of intimate conversation, petition and pleading, gratitude, remorse and repentance, and so on – they are in a position of separateness from God.

When they address God directly through the heart, and when they listen to him in the heart, they are in a position of union with God.

-Qushayri, "Risalah"

Martial Arts - Self-Defense or Self-Realization?

Martial Arts for Self-Defense or Self-Realization?

Toward Resolving the Dilemma of Identity among
Contemporary Muslims:
Modeling the Way and Life of the Pendekar


By
Abdul-Lateef Abdullah


Traditional Arts of War – the Original Path and Purpose

Within the original understanding of many of the world’s traditional warrior arts, also known today as ‘martial arts’, the concept of “self-defense” is non-existent. In modern times, martial arts are taught and learned under the guise of ‘self-defense’, which connotes a purely physical exercise aimed at acquiring skills to preserve the physical body or property from external attack or threat. It is an activity taught and practiced almost entirely on the physical level. The traditional approach to warrior arts, however, regardless of their place or people of origin, is not as the defense of self but toward the actualization of Self to its true and authentic state. This path contains many stages that a student must progress through in order to achieve Self-realization. The great masters of the traditional warrior arts knew – as some still do today - that the origins and source of all war lies within the weaknesses of the human Self, and it was only by ‘becoming war’ through a life of self-purification, training and exertion, and the acquisition of authentic spiritual knowledge that the human Self could be purified and transformed into a tool for achieving and establishing real peace.

This tradition can be found in the Malay warrior arts such as Gayong, for example, an art whose philosophical and spiritual foundation is rooted in Islam and the science of tasawwuf. In this tradition, as the student increases his or her knowledge and perfection of Gayong on a physical plane, he moves simultaneously – through knowledge acquisition and spiritual striving -- toward perfecting himself on a spiritual one. As a result, as the Gayong practitioner becomes more physically capable in the martial aspects of his art, in contrast, his demeanor increases in humility, selflessness, politeness and an overall peacefulness that others notice and want for themselves. His ferocity is limited to the training sphere (gelanggang), unless in the rare case that his skills and abilities are called upon as a result of external aggression. For as the murid (disciple) increases in outward ability, inwardly, his heart moves closer to intimacy with his Lord, for he knows that all of his skills, abilities, knowledge, trials, tests and fortunes are from Him. In the process, the student gains further insight along the way as to his own true nature; its strengths, weaknesses and utter dependence on God (faqr).

The Way of the Pendekar

In time, from the deep peacefulness and God-realization emerges the authentic Self of the pendekar (traditional Malay warrior). When the authentic Self is liberated from the bonds of the lower self and its worldly attachments, the pendekar’s purpose and mission becomes manifest. The soul is then liberated and free to do the work for which it was created. Self-realization turns into complete God-dependence and intimacy, resulting in a pure and total devotion toward servanthood. The warrior, in turn, becomes a healer whose lifelong efforts turn toward healing the hearts of his fellowmen men through knowledge of God and the path of surrender to Him. The war, therefore, whose main sphere was the Self, shifts to the outward realm, where the authentic Self goes about its work of service to its Lord.

The work of achieving and abiding in the authentic Self is the way of life of the pendekar. It is not merely analogy and historical account, moreover, for such masters still exist today, though they may be difficult to come by. Those who know such people, however, know that as walis or ‘friends of God’, they bear the mark of humility. Without pretense, they go about their work without regard for titles, attention, or public regard of any kind. They eat humbly, speak humbly, act humbly and live among the people, yet at the same time remain a degree removed from them. They make no outward displays of religiosity and often times, only those who have benefited from their services or assistance even know of their spiritual gifts and stations. Quite simply, they are known only through their simple and humble behavior and service to their neighbors and fellow man. Their “identity” as masters is known only to Allah, and perhaps their families, students, fellow teachers and few others.

The pendekar, in his simple way, is essentially identity-less. He is not preoccupied with forging an identity, or of creating an image for himself, for he knows that what people think of him is Allah’s will and not his to worry about. As a true servant, he has little need for portraying himself as something. His striving is with his heart and his deeds, for his only object of desire is his Lord. He is not preoccupied with making himself known; rather, he only desires to be known by those who need his help. He would rather stay anonymous, do the work he is asked to do, and return to remembrance and worship of his Creator, his source of true joy and contentment. Though he is often called on to help others, he is never ungrateful for the inconveniences he might be forced to suffer, or the lack of compensation that his work might entail. In a word, he is grateful for whatever his Lord sends him, and whatever he receives from Him is sufficient.

The pendekar’s years of physical and spiritual striving, Self-discovery, and acquisition and application of knowledge from his masters wipe away any trace of preoccupation with status and prestige. Through his struggles he has found his true Self and knows with total conviction and clarity who and what he is. His heart is filled and fixated only on Allah, the source of everything. His identity is not formed from an ego-driven need to be known. His identity, rather, is that which he is known by, which is his usefulness to creation, purity of heart and unflinching willingness to help others without prejudice.

From the humble life of the pendekar, legends are born. Many a tradition in the Malay Archipelago exists of the walis of Allah who have lived their lives in this simple yet noble manner. Though the most humble of men, their life stories are preserved and passed down through the generations. Masters become masters because they do not seek elevation in the eyes of men. They seek Allah and because they seek Allah, He raises their rank in the eyes of men, for He has power over ALL things and takes care of His friends. The pendekar is thus loved, feared, hoped for and admired by men precisely because he makes no effort toward obtaining the admiration of human beings.

Toward an Authentic Muslim Identity: Integrating the Lessons of the Pendekar

The lessons of the pendekar and the traditional warrior arts are integral toward understanding what we truly seek in our quest for Muslim identity. In this day and age, many Muslims, particularly those living in the West, are deeply concerned with the issue of obtaining and preserving a ‘Muslim identity’. We are very concerned, it seems, with others knowing who we are, and even more importantly, our youth knowing what it means to identify as Muslims. Unlike the example of the pendekar, however, the modern-day need for an identity often equates to portraying a certain Islamic image, rather than what it means – in practice - to be human beings living in a state of surrender to the Divine. Muslim identity in the former vein focuses on form and image rather than the quality of character and actions.

Muslim identity among the spiritual elect is about behavior that is a product of God-consciousness (taqwa), rather than appearance or mimicry. Identity is not about trying to appear as anything, but about realizing what and who we truly are and being conscious of it at all times. Too often, we try to build an identity by mimicking actions based on what we have been told is ‘Muslim behavior’. This usually takes the form of our dress, our speech, and our ‘persona’. Outward displays of religiosity, however, without the inner intention and sincerity of purifying the heart are harmful rather than helpful. They build up the false Self, (i.e. the ego-personality, the nafs), which lies to us by telling us that by appearing a certain way, we will be, in fact, Muslims. In actuality, we will be doing nothing more than acting like Muslims, playing the part if you will, rather than living in a state of heart and mind-full surrender to Allah. For the latter requires humility and the lack of desire to be seen by others as pious or religious.

When the heart is fixated on Allah, what results is the natural inclination toward servanthood. Servanthood’s mark is - obviously - service, which is manifested in behavior that aims at forging unity, for Allah is the One who loves unity. Servanthood contains no pretense and thus no image. An individual can serve in any number of ways. The Prophet (SAW) himself said the best among you are those that give the most benefit to others. Beginning with our obligatory worship to Allah (of which all forms are sadaqah) and then to our communal responsibilities, the list of service is virtually limitless – plant a tree, feed a child (even your own!), help an older person, pick up trash, sweep the floor, etc, etc.

Muslim identity is thus not forged by a desire to be seen by men. This is image-building which is from the false Self and arguably a form of shirk – ‘playing God’ if you will. Living in a community as Muslims, i.e. in a state of Islam (surrender), that is not out to impress others but whose focus is on Allah, self-discipline and hard work, humility, compassion, selfless service and working toward creating peace and unity – is a community worthy of being known. Work and surrender in these difficult times are virtues that should be the mark of Muslims and will set us apart if we are sincere. They will not set us apart in a way that forges division, however, but in such a way that draws others to us and in so doing, elevates everyone to greater heights of human understanding, conduct and character.

If, on the other hand, we are preoccupied with portraying an outward image of religiosity that exudes exclusivity and pretense and is coupled with a personality to boot, this can only result in more division rather than unity. And we all know that ‘divide and conquer’ is the great weapon of Iblis. Why might Iblis, the great enemy of God and man, use division to destroy us? Perhaps because it is the opposite of what Allah wants, which is unity? Is not Allah the Divine Unity and does not ultimate success lie with and in Him? Superficial notions of identity can bring no benefit to us or anyone, no matter how ‘Islamic’ our egos might tell us they are.

Substance over Form

The examples of the pendekar are thus lessons in substance over form, and practice over pretense. The only identity that matters to such a one is that which stems from sincerity and action -- a reward for what exists in our hearts. Allah will always show us a mirror image of ourselves through others’ perceptions of us and how we carry ourselves. Our concern, therefore, should not be on how to forge an identity for the purpose of winning others over but rather on being and behaving in a manner that is worthy of Allah’s grace and support. This can only come about when we begin to see ourselves as servants above all else and the world as a place in need of unity and peace rather than division and tribal competitiveness.

Lest we forget...

If you adhere to the things that I am leaving behind, you shall never be misguided.

- Prophet Muhammad (SAW), as reported by Ja'bir bin Abd'Allah

Awe and Intimacy

The effect of awe is the disappearance of self;
the self which is in a state of awe, disappears.

Levels of awe may be measured by the degree to which the self has disappeared;
some people are at a higer level of awe than others.

The effect of intimacy, by contrast, is alertness;
those who are intimate, are alert.

A person who is fully intimate, could be thrown into a fire, and the intimacy would not be disturbed.

-Qushayri, "Risalah"

Oh Lord, Where Shall I Seek You?

When Moses conversed with God, he asked, "Lord, where shall I seek You?"
God answered, "Among the brokenhearted."
Moses continued, "But, Lord, no heart could be more despairing than mine."
And God replied, "Then I am where you are."

-Abu’l-Fayd al-Misri, “The Kashf al-Mahjub”

Belief is Not Inherited

...It is not correct to say that Muslims are Muslims simply because they were born into their religion. This is, in fact, not a position that is religiously acceptable according to the teachings of Islam. Every single Muslim is religiously required to acquire personal conviction of their religion. This personal conviction is reached by contemplating the many signs that God has placed for us to prevent us from being confused regarding what He wants of us.

- Sheikh Hamza Karamali

What Money Can't Buy

You will not be able to give anyone happiness by means of your wealth, so do it by means of a cheerful countenance and good humor.

-The Prophet Muhammad in Qushayri: al-Risalat al-Qushayriyya

Life is about Allah, Not me

One thing it might help to remember is that this life is not really all about you and you personal happiness, and when you make it such, that's when you make yourself unhappy.
This life is about Me, and knowing Me and loving Me in every moment, in every pleasure and in every pain.
In fact, pleasures and pains are quite alike in that they are both simply tests of your love for Me. They are able to distract you or able to strengthen you in your love and devotion to Me.
If you turn away from pleasure and you turn away from pain, then you will truly be My slave and know My Love and Appreciation.
It is through the self that you know Me, but not for the sake of the self but for My sake.
It is through the self that you see the Land, and through the Land that you see the self.
But focus on the Land, not the self.

Sitting with your Dissatisfaction...

Sitting with your dissatisfaction seems to mean being at peace with your conflict.
If you're involved in your conflict, then you have vested interest, you have conflicting interests, a conflict of interests; you are on one side in favor of that and against another, if you are involved with your conflict.
If you are at peace with your conflict, then you are not involved with it and you can resolve it. Basically what that means is to find peace first and then resolve your conflict.
The process of healing is the process of finding your peace.
From there you can resolve what we call residuals.
That's why we surrender first, then we can learn our faith (Iman) from experience.

- Ali Ansari

Punishing Kids...

As long as families have to exist in a permissive culture, psychologically healthy families need more than healthy communication. Children also need to be punished when they have done something wrong. After all, punishment is a part of the reconciliation process, and unpunished guilt can cause psychological problems of its own.

As I said in the previous section, punishment is just a simple psychological technique to decrease specific behavior. But to be effective, it must be used properly. The punishment, then, must be just: it must be consistent, fair, and adequate to the transgression. And it must be tempered with mercy.

In its psychological sense, mercy means to withhold some—or all—of the punishment demanded by justice if the guilty person shows deep sorrow for his or her behavior. But this is just the easy part. A parent can’t expect to administer punishment by remaining uninvolved. In fact, to administer punishment is to get involved.

Don’t expect to take away a child’s driving privileges and then say, “Well, you need to drive to school, so you can use the car for that. Just come home right after school.” What child couldn’t see through that nonsense—and learn to abuse it immediately? So wake up. You will have to drive your child to and from school, no matter what the inconvenience to you. Don’t expect to confine a child to the house and then expect that you can come and go, leaving the child alone in the house, while saying “Don’t go anywhere.” Wake up again. You will have to stay home and monitor your child, never letting him or her leave your sight. Homework must be done under your supervision, not alone in a bedroom. Meals must be eaten together. Entertainment must be in your presence. Everything must be done in your presence, and, as a result—like it or not—you will be drawn closer to your child. Sound hard? Well, that’s why there are so many family problems: the parents are always too busy to really get involved in the punishment. In the end, you have to accept the fact that the punishment will hurt the parent as much as the child. If it doesn’t, it will never be effective.

- Raymond Lloyd Richmond, PhD

Speaking to Children...How to Say 'No'

I’m always deeply saddened when someone attempts to discourage a child’s behavior by saying, “You don’t want to do that.” But of course the child wants to do that! It’s perfectly obvious he wants to do it, or he wouldn’t be trying. So why confuse the child by denying what you both know is perfectly true?

Here, then, is a special hint on how to say “No” to a child without causing psychological hurt. You do this by acknowledging what the child wants and then, without making the child feel guilty or bad simply for having childish desires, explain why the child cannot have what he or she wants.

To a young child say the following:
I know you want to [have some candy, play in the water, chase the birds, whatever . . .] and there are times when you can’t always have what you want.

To an older child (or another adult, for that matter) try saying something like this:
I know that you really would like to [stay out past dark, bungee jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, or whatever . . .] and [the danger of getting mugged, the law, insurance regulations, etc.] just won’t allow it.

The point of such statements is to show the child (a) that you recognize and respect the child’s desire and (b) that since the world is filled with conflicting desires, one’s own desires can’t always be fulfilled. This is an important lesson for children to learn. (Too bad most adults haven’t learned it.)

Said in another way, it’s not that the child’s desire is wrong, it’s simply that, because the world is unfair, all desires cannot always be fulfilled. It’s important to learn that apparent “evil” is, in many cases, simply the conflict between two “goods.” This is why you use the word and, rather than but, between the two parts of your statement.

- Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D.

Beware the Black Stain of the Heart

When a believer gives in to temptation, a black stain appears on his heart.
If he repents and asks for forgiveness, that stain disappears.
But if he continues to transgress, the stain continues to grow until it blackens the entire heart. That stain is the rust the Lord Almighty refers to: "Nay, rust has fallen upon their hearts for what they have earned."

-The Prophet Muhammad (SAW), as reported by Abu Hurairah