As long as families have to exist in a permissive culture, psychologically healthy families need more than healthy communication. Children also need to be punished when they have done something wrong. After all, punishment is a part of the reconciliation process, and unpunished guilt can cause psychological problems of its own.
As I said in the previous section, punishment is just a simple psychological technique to decrease specific behavior. But to be effective, it must be used properly. The punishment, then, must be just: it must be consistent, fair, and adequate to the transgression. And it must be tempered with mercy.
In its psychological sense, mercy means to withhold some—or all—of the punishment demanded by justice if the guilty person shows deep sorrow for his or her behavior. But this is just the easy part. A parent can’t expect to administer punishment by remaining uninvolved. In fact, to administer punishment is to get involved.
Don’t expect to take away a child’s driving privileges and then say, “Well, you need to drive to school, so you can use the car for that. Just come home right after school.” What child couldn’t see through that nonsense—and learn to abuse it immediately? So wake up. You will have to drive your child to and from school, no matter what the inconvenience to you. Don’t expect to confine a child to the house and then expect that you can come and go, leaving the child alone in the house, while saying “Don’t go anywhere.” Wake up again. You will have to stay home and monitor your child, never letting him or her leave your sight. Homework must be done under your supervision, not alone in a bedroom. Meals must be eaten together. Entertainment must be in your presence. Everything must be done in your presence, and, as a result—like it or not—you will be drawn closer to your child. Sound hard? Well, that’s why there are so many family problems: the parents are always too busy to really get involved in the punishment. In the end, you have to accept the fact that the punishment will hurt the parent as much as the child. If it doesn’t, it will never be effective.
- Raymond Lloyd Richmond, PhD
Friday, May 25, 2007
Speaking to Children...How to Say 'No'
I’m always deeply saddened when someone attempts to discourage a child’s behavior by saying, “You don’t want to do that.” But of course the child wants to do that! It’s perfectly obvious he wants to do it, or he wouldn’t be trying. So why confuse the child by denying what you both know is perfectly true?
Here, then, is a special hint on how to say “No” to a child without causing psychological hurt. You do this by acknowledging what the child wants and then, without making the child feel guilty or bad simply for having childish desires, explain why the child cannot have what he or she wants.
To a young child say the following:
I know you want to [have some candy, play in the water, chase the birds, whatever . . .] and there are times when you can’t always have what you want.
To an older child (or another adult, for that matter) try saying something like this:
I know that you really would like to [stay out past dark, bungee jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, or whatever . . .] and [the danger of getting mugged, the law, insurance regulations, etc.] just won’t allow it.
The point of such statements is to show the child (a) that you recognize and respect the child’s desire and (b) that since the world is filled with conflicting desires, one’s own desires can’t always be fulfilled. This is an important lesson for children to learn. (Too bad most adults haven’t learned it.)
Said in another way, it’s not that the child’s desire is wrong, it’s simply that, because the world is unfair, all desires cannot always be fulfilled. It’s important to learn that apparent “evil” is, in many cases, simply the conflict between two “goods.” This is why you use the word and, rather than but, between the two parts of your statement.
- Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D.
Here, then, is a special hint on how to say “No” to a child without causing psychological hurt. You do this by acknowledging what the child wants and then, without making the child feel guilty or bad simply for having childish desires, explain why the child cannot have what he or she wants.
To a young child say the following:
I know you want to [have some candy, play in the water, chase the birds, whatever . . .] and there are times when you can’t always have what you want.
To an older child (or another adult, for that matter) try saying something like this:
I know that you really would like to [stay out past dark, bungee jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, or whatever . . .] and [the danger of getting mugged, the law, insurance regulations, etc.] just won’t allow it.
The point of such statements is to show the child (a) that you recognize and respect the child’s desire and (b) that since the world is filled with conflicting desires, one’s own desires can’t always be fulfilled. This is an important lesson for children to learn. (Too bad most adults haven’t learned it.)
Said in another way, it’s not that the child’s desire is wrong, it’s simply that, because the world is unfair, all desires cannot always be fulfilled. It’s important to learn that apparent “evil” is, in many cases, simply the conflict between two “goods.” This is why you use the word and, rather than but, between the two parts of your statement.
- Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Beware the Black Stain of the Heart
When a believer gives in to temptation, a black stain appears on his heart.
If he repents and asks for forgiveness, that stain disappears.
But if he continues to transgress, the stain continues to grow until it blackens the entire heart. That stain is the rust the Lord Almighty refers to: "Nay, rust has fallen upon their hearts for what they have earned."
-The Prophet Muhammad (SAW), as reported by Abu Hurairah
If he repents and asks for forgiveness, that stain disappears.
But if he continues to transgress, the stain continues to grow until it blackens the entire heart. That stain is the rust the Lord Almighty refers to: "Nay, rust has fallen upon their hearts for what they have earned."
-The Prophet Muhammad (SAW), as reported by Abu Hurairah
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Subdue the Lower Soul
The lower soul dissuades from conforming to faith.
The more the self is subdued, the easier it becomes to glorify God.
When the ego is annihilated, worship becomes sustenance, just as it sustains the angels.
-Al-Hujwiri, “The Kashf al-Mahjub”
The more the self is subdued, the easier it becomes to glorify God.
When the ego is annihilated, worship becomes sustenance, just as it sustains the angels.
-Al-Hujwiri, “The Kashf al-Mahjub”
Looking for God...
God is in the water of the lake;
He is also in the cracked bed of the lake, when the lake has dried up.
God is in the abundant harvest;
He is also in the famine that occurs when the harvest fails.
God is in the lightning; He is also in the darkness, when the lightning has faded....
Brothers and sisters, you pile up stones to make shrines, imagining that God will make Himself present there.
Then you are surprised when these shrines do not ease your cares and worries.
-Hallaj, "Tawasin"
He is also in the cracked bed of the lake, when the lake has dried up.
God is in the abundant harvest;
He is also in the famine that occurs when the harvest fails.
God is in the lightning; He is also in the darkness, when the lightning has faded....
Brothers and sisters, you pile up stones to make shrines, imagining that God will make Himself present there.
Then you are surprised when these shrines do not ease your cares and worries.
-Hallaj, "Tawasin"
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